what happened? im sitting here beside you and you've already drifted off to sleep, i feel that things has changed, do you still love me as much as before? or am i just being paranoid?
i feel miserable but i'm afraid to speak cause i'm afraid you'll be angry, why is there a barrier between us now?
yes i'm back.. after a very very long hiatus...have spent a great deal of my time dealing with my life and picking up the fragments...pieced them back and now i'm back. ;)
christina's serenading from the speakers..."you lost me"
you should know i only run to you when i'm down or when i feel vulnerable... you're my sanctuary...i can face you when i'm all broken because i know you'll be there for me...
i pride myself for being able to "smile" when i'm required to, i guess my job trains me well :D
i feel "exposed" now, i've tried baring my feelings, letting my guard down...but i realise that i still have to fend for myself at the end of the day... i should...must pull myself back together again 'cause in this world...there is no space or allowance that allows me to be myself...
its more than a month since the journey ended... i've been burying myself with work...doing long flights so as to avoid being back in Singapore as everything in my room reminds me of you... i have been making progress and i really appreciate what my friends have done...trying their best to cheer me up...being there for me..
until today...i heard about you from a friend... and it just made me fall back again... i fell.... i broke.... tears welled up... i shattered....into so many pieces again... this following song just somehow describes what it was like in the end of our journey...
I leave the gas on
Walk the alleys in the dark
Sleep with candles burning
I leave the door unlocked
I'm weaving a rope and
Running all the red lights
Did I get your attention
'Cause I'm sending all the signs that
The clock is ticking
And I'll be giving my two weeks
Pick your favorite shade of black
You'd best prepare a speech
Say something funny
Say something sweet
But don't say that you loved me
Chorus:
I'm still breathing
But we've been dead for awhile
This sickness has no cure
We're goin down for sure
Already lost our grip
Best abandon ship...
Maybe I was too pale
Maybe I was too fat
Maybe you had better
Better luck in the sack
No formal education
I swore way too much
I swear you didn't care
'Cause we were in love
So as I write this letter
And shed my last tear
Know it's all for the better
That we end this here
Let's close this chapter
Say one last prayer
But don't say that you loved me
I'm still breathing
But we've been dead for awhile
This sickness has no cure
We're going down for sure
Oh we've been diagnosed
So let's give up the ghost
yes i'm back home...despite booking a room at copthorne waterfront but i wasn't there.. i dunno why... walked home just awhile ago... just felt that i don't belong there..
felt so detached from all the whole scene after the alcohol disappears... it was nice having my close friends come comfort me et al... but alas i'm still alone...
on my journey home, i gave u several missed calls...wanted to hear your voice.. dunno what came over me...guess i needed to hear someone familiar...but of course ur asleep or not picking up my call...which can be understood..
here i am penning this entry at 7am in the morning... i need to start loving myself a little bit more... i dunno what does life brings me ... i'm not young anymore...i can't expect me to appeal to a large group.. i have to face reality...
life moves on...and i'm still left behind... God, can u give me a sign on what should i do?...
nobody wants to be lonely....nobody wants to cry... i'm broken...i don't need someone, i just need the strength....to stand up when the impact comes...
2009....please be kind to me...cause i just started off feeling really shitty and horrible... i'm gonna fall...but allow me to fall gently...please...
am penning an entry when i'm supposed to be sleeping..got a flight in like 3hours?? this year's definitely not a good one for me... i hate it... i guess in life we really have to give and take? job's been fine...but everything else has take a downfall... lets hope 2009 will be a better one? dunno what's installed for me but i'm gonna try my best to brace myself...
granny's admitted into hospital again... i dunno how to describe my feelings anymore... i just want her to be alright.. i cannot afford to lose her... she's been my pillar of strength when the going gets tough.. i remember her determination and sheer hard work to give me the proper upbringing i had...steer me away from the bad...
i'm single now...alone.. in fact its been almost 3 weeks already.. the "effect" hasn't actually hit me 'cause i've been burying myself with work.. leaving singapore the minute i return.. trading away off days for flights just so i can avoid being back home and seeing the familiar things that will break me down... God, please grant me the spiritual and mental strength to be able to withstand the impact when it hits me...
i know its better off that we're not with each other anymore... we no longer love each other the same way we did... i tried..and i'm sure you did too.. i can't look at the old sms anymore, the cards, the gifts, the places, the food, the things 'cause it'll shatter the thin wall i've built around my heart... i guess somewhere in time..down the road... i will look back and i will remember that...i really loved you...
i turn to you... are you still the same you? we have different goals, we no longer have the common dream anymore... time changes everything.. time heals wounds... time brings the distanced together... but time also creates rifts...
this freitag marks the end of my GQ20 journey... i approach the next phase with grippling apprehension as i don't know what to expect. i will miss many significant individuals that experienced with me this wonderful past 2months. we will definitely cross paths once again, for that i'm sure. parting is always sad but for me its not goodbye, its Bis Bald...
does familiarity breed content? are we less cautious with our words towards our loved ones? do we assume that its just "me"? can they always handle it?
tomorrow marks a new chapter in life.. am blardy excited and a tad apprehensive ;) oh well i should be sleeping already but i can't resist Blade Trinity especially when RR is in it *winks*
they just had to make him strip. *ponders*
oh well time for me to embrace the new phase of my life with full enthusiasm and energy!
haven't had the time to meet up with my K buddies, Sammi and Donna therefore i took the opportunity today to catch up with them. accompanied donna to collect her replacement sim card from singtel, apparently there's some problems with getting a reception while using the sim card...*hmmz*
went to PS cafe at palais renaissance for brunch, i was famished when we arrived, we got the PS Caesar salad and some jap styled sald which i can't remember >.<
ordered the Chocolate Crunch Door Stop for dessert, OMG! its seriously to die for! for all chocolate fans out there, pls do yourself a favor and try it! throw your diet regime out of the window for the moment! you'll not regret! :D pity i forgot to take pictures of it 'cause we were too busy devouring the cake *winks*
decided to K since its been a long time the 3 of us went together, some cam whoring while K'ing in partyworld. ;)
met up with patrick and he joined us for dinner at Ding Tai Fung, i'm so happy that i manage to sell my old 2G iphone away today! hehe! :D strike while the iron's hot! got a pretty decent deal for it. and i bought the Wii Fit which has been sold out for the longest time! although i'm sure i paid a little more than the usual price but its ok. *sniggers*
oh well..time to work on my shadow priest. need to get her to 70 ASAP before WOTLK.
are men destined to be polygamous? considering the history of the many glorious conquests our forefathers had?
can a spark be revived? does love really dies off?
don't we all envy other ppl who has relationships that lasts almost a lifetime? no wait...its not a relationship anymore...its a commitment of lives.
but deep down, do they truly love each other or are they just afraid of "change"? afraid of starting all over again? the rat race...
would you give it all up because you have no feelings for the other person anymore? would you dare throw yourself out there and start from scratch? the fear or rejection? resentment? or would you just suck it up and pretend everything's gonna be ok tomorrow?
smile...i cannot. facade? maybe... am depressed..yours truly.. am crying inside when i'm out and out when i'm alone... no one can ever understand..
i cannot afford to lose you... you're everything to me... i'll gladly give mine for you to stay..
you never judged me.. your love unconditional... hardships endured...blood and sweat trickled...without a word of resentment..
sacrifices you have made for us... you're my pillar of strength.. it breaks my heart to see you in a condition like that..
i'm at a loss... i wanna give u so much... i wanna bring u places.. i wanna let u taste the delicacies of the world... please give me a chance...stay..
i've toured the world.. i've tried many cuisines.. the spanish steps, the st basil's cathedral, the eiffel tower, the statue of liberty...all i've conquered.. but they mean nothing to me... all i want is for you to stay...
i pray to God... please do not take you away from me..
am still pretty unsure as how to spend my leave during jul, thought of flying up to london to visit my friends...*hmmz* i haven't been to london in almost 2years! ;) shall go check the load later if its full and hopefully i can get myself a seat on the new A380. that will be cool!
anyway on a more affirmative note i got my roster a couple of days ago and guess where am i going???
i must really thank God for the blessings this yr, i'm going amsterdam tomorrow (first time!) and i've been rostered the new destination, all in time just nice when i start my GQ course in sept! :D
just got back from shanghai, haven't done the flight in ages! pity that we're not staying at the Millennium but the Sheraton instead. *sulks*
anyway i didn't do much 'cause the flight up was so tiring, had to work business class due to some unforeseen circumstances. :p i bought a few DVDs (mostly movies which i missed over the months)
watched the first one "Shelter", very very sweet movie, almost diabetically threatening.. i felt so moved during the movie. subtle actions speaks emotions of great tidal effect. apparently its a pretty new release, am so lucky that i could find it! didn't know about this movie actually, was just browsing thru the titles when the cover photo caught my eye..."hmmz...must be a love story" and what i liked about it was that it has a positive ending! unlike most gay movies which almost always ends in doom or tragedy.
am sleeping over in mummy's place for tonight 'cause they've left town for vacation and i'm here to help look after my dearest "por por" ;) it feels a little strange but i guess that 'cause i haven't stayed with my family for a long time and its that "family" feeling thats strange but warms the heart. :D
well i've gotta go, wanna continue watching "Little Britain" absolutely love the series!!! bought all 3 seasons!
oh! i'm finally embarking on my GQ course come this sept! *yay* can't wait to continue on the language which i've shelved for a long time ;) gonna head down to STC this thu to sign the relevant documents! :D
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eter69nity's journal
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